Give thanks to the
Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God
of gods,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the
Lord of lords,
for his steadfast love endures forever
Psalm 136:1-3 ESV
The Lord is bringing to my remembrance something that
happened in my life nearly 38 years ago. The year was 1982, and I was 32 years
old at the time. It was at the beginning of the year. My children were 1, 3, 5
& 8 years old at the time. We had moved away from our home town 2 years
prior to this, but that was a bad year, and now we were back, and had been back
for a year.
Our pastor had preached a series of sermons on spiritual
gifts a while ago. He had distributed to every church member (or every church
attendee) – church, in the sense of a local body of fellowship – a form to fill
out. On the form we were asked to list our spiritual gifts, and we were asked
to express interest in particular areas of ministry within the church. And, the
expectation was that we would then be contacted by the pastor or an elder to
ask us to serve in one of those areas of ministry.
Much time had passed since I had filled out the form, and I
was not contacted. It may had been 6 months to a year since I had filled out
the form. So, I contacted the pastor. He came to our house. We had not ever
really talked before, so he didn’t know me and I didn’t know him. But, he had
formed impressions or opinions of me from observations he had made about me,
based on his own thinking and reasoning, and based on himself.
He made no effort to try to get to know me or my heart. He
had already decided who I was and what I was about, and so he just blurted out
his opinions about me, which were very hurtful. And, then he asked me if I
would say that I had been crucified with Christ. I said, “Yes.” And, he said, “I
would say you haven’t!” And, that met me with a crushing blow!!
I took his opinions of me to heart, and I believed that they
could conquer me, and so I just withdrew. I retreated. But, as I was reading
the story of Jonah to my children one day, the Lord spoke to me and told me that
I was Jonah, and that I was running from God, and that I needed to get back in
there and fight this thing through.
And, you know what I said to him? I said, “But God, you don’t
understand!”
Truly, in the depths of my heart I believed that, though
with my mind I believed he was an all-powerful, all-knowing and Omni-present
God. In my mind I believed he was completely sovereign over all things. But, in
my heart I believed differently. I believed this man, this pastor, could defeat
me, and that God could do nothing about it.
Why did I feel this way? Because I had been severely abused
by my dad growing up, and God had not rescued me from that situation. He had
not rescued me from other painful situations, either. So, I had formed this
picture of God as someone who I knew loved me, and who cared for me, and who
comforted me in my sorrow and pain, but who was somehow powerless to intervene
in my circumstances.
With my mind I believed one thing about God, but in my heart
of hearts, where I had been hurt, I believed something else. I believed man had
power over me that God could do nothing about, and that came out through my
mouth when I said, “But God, you don’t understand!”
to him who struck down
the firstborn of Egypt,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
and brought Israel out
from among them,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
with a strong hand and
an outstretched arm,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
to him who divided the
Red Sea in two,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
and made Israel pass
through the midst of it,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
but overthrew Pharaoh
and his host in the Red Sea,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
to him who led his
people through the wilderness,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
Psalm 136:10-16 ESV
The Lord said that I was to go back to this pastor to fight
this thing through, so I contacted the pastor again, though I was “shaking in
my boots,” so to speak. And, he suggested that it was the elders who had an
issue with me, so he sent the elders to my house to talk with me about it.
The elders had also formed their opinions of me based on
their own personal prejudices and on their own preconceived notions about how God
works, and based on their own selves and how their minds and their own flesh
operated. They thought I was like them, but I wasn’t, and so they didn’t get
me.
They kept trying to tell me that it was my attitude, but
when I asked them for specifics, regarding what I was doing wrong, they didn’t
know. They had nothing that they could pinpoint and say that I was doing
anything wrong. They couldn’t even tell me what they thought was wrong with my
attitude. So, again, I was left up in the air, up against men who disapproved
of me, and who would not let me serve in the body of Christ in ministry, but
who didn’t even know what it was about me that they disapproved of.
But, the Lord had told me to “fight this through,” so I
contacted my best friend, who was the wife of one of the elders. I went over to
her house and we talked for a long while. She was trying to pinpoint what the
problem was, so we went back and forth on that for a while. And, then she said,
“Hon, I know what it is.” I said, “What?” She said, “It’s a spirit of fear.”
I knew immediately as soon as she said that that she was
correct. The Holy Spirit witnessed it in my heart. I asked her if we could pray
for God to deliver me from that. So, we prayed, and I physically felt that
oppressive spirit leave my presence. My countenance completely changed. My
facial expressions went from ones of fear to faith to joy. God had delivered
me!
It is he who
remembered us in our low estate,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
and rescued us from
our foes,
for his steadfast love endures forever;
he who gives food to
all flesh,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God
of heaven,
for his steadfast love endures forever.
Psalm 136:23-26 ESV
What came next was something I would never have anticipated.
All of a sudden, memories of my childhood, which had been locked down inside of
me, began to surface. For, you see, I was taught to forget the past, so I did,
but I didn’t release it to God, I had just buried it down inside my heart. I
didn’t know any different. It was what I had been taught about forgetting.
So, I called my best friend. I asked her what to do with
these memories, which were quite painful. She didn’t know. She suggested I talk
with the pastor. I told her I couldn’t do that because he hated me. So, she
asked for permission to talk with him. I gave her permission. She called him.
She told him about my past, about my upbringing, and about the fears that I had
had. And I am most certain she told him about our prayer for deliverance.
So, he called me. The first thing he did was apologize to
me. He said, “As your pastor, I am to be your spiritual father, but I haven’t
been a very good one. I want to be now,” or something to that effect.
I just sobbed. I had not ever had a human father who loved
me. God had now broken through this pastor’s heart, and he was reaching out to
me in love. Praise God! This would never have happened, though, if I had not
listened to God, and if I had stayed bound in my fears, and if I had not gotten
back in there and “fought this thing through,” which was not easy, I guarantee
you.
So, I asked the pastor what to do with these memories. He
simply told me to give them over (to release them) to God. For, you see, I had
buried them thinking I was doing right by “forgetting” them, but I hadn’t
forgotten them, really, because they were buried in my heart, still impacting
my life. But, God doesn’t want us to bury our hurts, for then they are not
truly forgotten, and they can turn to bitterness or they can bind us in fear.
So, I let the memories surface, and one by one, as they came
up, I felt them as though they had just happened to me. I then cried them out
to God, and I released them to him, and I forgave my dad with every one of them.
And, the Lord lifted those burdens from me, and he gave me newfound freedom in
him that I had never experienced before. And, the Lord began a healing process
in my heart to set me free from those damaged emotions.
And, that pastor, who had been my “enemy” now became my
friend. And, instead of fighting against me, he began to help me to be an
overcomer. And, I submitted to his leadership, and I did what he asked me to
do.
And, one day he admitted to me that he and the elders had
been wrong about me. I just wasn’t like them, and they didn’t understand me and
my relationship with the Lord, and so they had judged me by themselves, but God
delivered me because I listened to him, and I did what he said.
I would like to say that I never struggled with fear from
that moment forward, but that would be a lie. But, what began that day opened
the door for many more victories to come. And, what God was doing in my life
was preparing me for a future ministry which he had planned for my life from
before I was even born.
There were many more battles ahead, but the Lord brought me
through every one of them. I just had to step out in faith and “fight them
through” under his guidance, and He got the victory!
For
Our Nation
An
Original Work / September 11, 2012
Bombs are bursting. Night is falling.
Jesus Christ is gently calling
You to follow Him in all ways.
Trust Him with your life today.
Make Him your Lord and your Savior.
Turn from your sin. Follow Jesus.
He will forgive you of your sin;
Cleanse your heart, made new within.
Men betraying: Our trust fraying.
On our knees to God we’re praying,
Seeking God to give us answers
That are only found in Him.
God is sovereign over all things.
Nothing from His mind escaping.
He has all things under His command,
And will work all for good.
Jesus Christ is gently calling
You to follow Him in all ways.
Men deceiving: we’re believing
In our Lord, and interceding
For our nation and its people
To obey their God today.
He is our hope for our future.
For our wounds He offers suture.
He is all we need for this life.
Trust Him with your life today.
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