Psalm 18:1-3 ESV
I love you, O Lord, my
strength.
The Lord is my rock
and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my
stronghold.
I call upon the Lord,
who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.
I had a dream (2/4/19
2:00 a.m.): I was arriving home from a trip I had been on. I think I tried to
get there by 11 a.m. I think I got there before Rick did or just as he did, not
sure which. For, he had also been on a trip (a separate trip from me). I think
he had kids with him, but I never saw kids. He was bringing stuff into the
house. Something had something on it that he didn’t like how it looked
(appeared), like maybe it looked like porn or something, so he rearranged it so
it didn’t look like that. It had looked like little round balls on a matting of
some kind, maybe like on cardboard. END
Then I woke up, and I heard what sounded like Rick’s voice
in my head. The voice said, “She… (pause) end all.”
The thing of it is, last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I had
a vision of Rick taking his wedding
ring off, and throwing it across the room, and then stomping on it. END This truly is the picture of our
entire marriage (2).
Arriving Home
Arriving home – getting to familiar ground and/or to a
familiar and/or usual setting: In both my case and Rick’s case this is his
cul-de-sac, i.e. his never-ending cyclical pattern of idolatry, adultery,
lying, trickery, manipulation, deceit, cover-ups, personal attacks, abuse,
blame-shifting, false accusations, accusing me of it being all in my mind, and cruel
or cutting remarks, etc.
For me, the trip (journey) is to be continuously (repeatedly)
on the receiving end of his adultery, lies and abuse. For him, it is his cyclical
(habitual) personal moral and spiritual failure (the fall), and his adultery
against me, his wife, and his idolatry against God, most especially. But, his
cycle isn’t just the sexual sinful practices, but it is about everything which
goes along with them, too.
Also, his trip (journey) is separate from me, i.e. it is disconnected,
adulterous, independent, parting company, estranged, divided, and withdrawn,
etc. It is him doing his own thing his own way despite me and to spite me. And,
it never changes. It is just the same junk repeated over and over again. And,
he is doing this to God, too, not just to me, his wife.
It is a “my-do-it” approach that keeps him in the driver’s
seat with him continually saying that he is trying to figure it out, or him finding
a way to excuse his continued moral and spiritual failure, saying things like “I
didn’t know,” when he did know. He has known for over 50 years, but he still continues
driving around and around in the cul-de-sac with the same lame excuses for why
he is still there, and for why he still hasn’t gotten free.
Also, the trip was me having this dream, working through the
symbols, and finally coming to the point to where I felt I should ask Rick if
he had had a moral failure. And, the trip he was on was the moral failure, and
now would come the discussion between us, i.e. the confrontation, and the recycle.
I Questioned Rick
I wanted to get there by 11 a.m. – Actually, I literally
did, not that I had any forethought to that. For, when I questioned Rick with
regard to whether or not he had had any moral failure last night (in the
night), which was today, it was 11 a.m. on the clock, for he mentioned lunch,
and so I looked at the clock and I saw that it was 11 a.m. This is just now
coming back to mind.
He had “kids” with him, but I never saw them. He has issues,
disorders, messes, indulges, and blemishes, etc. I didn’t see them because he
keeps a lot of them hidden from me, I believe, but I can’t prove this. I just
know him after 46 years of marriage on this journey of his “cul-de-sac.” He
makes a practice of cheating, lying and deceiving, so I can’t trust anything he
says.
He was bringing stuff into the house. He was causing, producing,
creating and generating garbage, lies, deceptions, crap, messes, purposes,
objectives, intentions and challenges (for me) in our marriage. He was bringing
them into the house (family, partnership, our marriage), i.e. he brought his
obsessions and his addiction into our marriage 46.5 years ago.
So, after the Lord Jesus gave me this dream this morning,
and I worked through the symbols, I knew I needed to gently and lovingly confront
my husband and to ask him if he had had any moral failure in the night (early
morning), because that is when I was given this dream (at 2:00 a.m.). But, what
I got from him were three successive denials:
The Denials
First he said he
had not had any moral failure at all. Now, he knew what I was asking, so even
though I asked if it was in the middle of the night (early morning), he still
should have owned up to it, but he didn’t.
Second, he “confessed”
that he was battling/struggling with thoughts about his past, and that he
needed me to pray for him. And, when I asked “What past?” he said that he was
battling temptation with regard to memories about a woman (a woman he had been
in love with, and with whom he had had an extramarital romantic affair 13 years
into our marriage).
Third, after I
prodded him for more specific information with regard to his “battle,” he
recited for me 3 specific incidents he had had with this woman back in the mid-1980s,
and with regard to how he was tempted at that time.
Then, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me that I needed to prod
even more, because he didn’t really tell me what his “battle” was this morning.
So, then he told me, after some coaxing, that he had had sex with her in his
mind this morning, that he had battled it in the dark for a while, but that he
eventually yielded to the temptation and he fantasized having sex with her.
Similar to Porn
After he confessed this to me, and we talked about it – a serious
conversation – I went back to these dream symbols where I had left off, and
that took me to the part about the small round balls which were on a matting of
some kind (possibly cardboard), and how he didn’t like how they appeared and so
he rearranged them so they wouldn’t appear that way.
I realized that this matting for the balls might have been
constructed of cardboard, i.e. that they were a creation of what is lacking in
depth and realism, i.e. that it was artificial (not real). In other words, his
foundation, his base, his support, and his protection for his life is artificial,
surface-level only, lacking in real depth (spiritually speaking), which is why
he is still driving around and around in this cul-de-sac (cycle of behavior).
Ok, so the round balls on this matting looked like porn
(similar to), like Rick fantasizing about having sex with his previous “lover.”
But, he didn’t like how that appeared, so he rearranged the balls to look like
something else, i.e. first came the three denials (lies, deceptions), then the
truth (hopefully). But, then that was followed by minimizing what he had just
done, and by giving lame excuses for why he is still in this condition, and
with him then attacking me as though I am the enemy coming against him: the
cycle.
Porn, taken from “Porneía
(the root of the English terms ‘pornography, pornographic’) … properly, a
selling off (surrendering) of sexual purity; promiscuity of any (every) type.” (1)
So, “porn” isn’t just videos or magazines, but it is the
surrendering of one’s sexual purity to what is impure, i.e. it is promiscuity
of any (every) type.
Yet, if he (anyone) can call it something other than what it
is, then excuse it away, then they can ease their consciences and the cycle
will go on without end, which appears to be the “end-all,” i.e. the ultimate
goal or conclusion. For the cycle speaks of no intent to change, but of every
intent to continue on course, with “she” being his idols, his addictions, and with
neither me nor God given our rightful place in his heart and in his lifecycle.
But, this isn’t just my husband we are talking about here,
is it? And, I am not the only wife (spouse) who is going through this either.
And, this is not just about immorality, either, but it is about denial of
Christ Jesus as Lord of our lives, and of wanting to run one’s own life,
regardless of who gets hurt in the process. And, this is about deception, which
is permeating not only the church today (in America), but also it is within our
government, too.
I Take Refuge
Yet, I take refuge in the Lord. He is my shield and my stronghold.
He is my salvation, my strength, my fortress and my deliverer. Although God has
allowed all of this in my life, he saves me from my enemies by helping me to
put my trust in him, and to rely on him for my support, for he alone is
completely faithful in all that he does.
He saves me, too, by helping me to forgive and to keep
loving those who treat me with evil intent and with evil actions. Yet, love and
forgiveness do not coddle sin or ignore it, but they lovingly confront it,
because the intent of true grace is to set the sinner free. It does not leave
him still in bondage.
God saves me, too, by reminding me how he sees me, and that
he loves me, and by reminding me that he will carry me through it all, and that
one day this truly will all come to an end, and I will be forever with my Lord.
Amen!
And, he reminds me that he is working out all things for
good in my life, because I love him, and because I have been called according
to his purpose (Ro. 8:28). Amen! So, I rest in him, and I trust him with my
future and with my husband, but we could really use your prayers. Thank you so
much! Sue
For
Our Nation
An
Original Work / September 11, 2012
Bombs are bursting. Night is falling.
Jesus Christ is gently calling
You to follow Him in all ways.
Trust Him with your life today.
Make Him your Lord and your Savior.
Turn from your sin. Follow Jesus.
He will forgive you of your sin;
Cleanse your heart, made new within.
Men betraying: Our trust fraying.
On our knees to God we’re praying,
Seeking God to give us answers
That are only found in Him.
God is sovereign over all things.
Nothing from His mind escaping.
He has all things under His command,
And will work all for good.
Jesus Christ is gently calling
You to follow Him in all ways.
Men deceiving: we’re believing
In our Lord, and interceding
For our nation and its people
To obey their God today.
He is our hope for our future.
For our wounds He offers suture.
He is all we need for this life.
Trust Him with your life today.
Monday, February 4, 2019
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