Psalms 57:1-3 ESV
“Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me. Selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!”
I cry out to God Most High
My parents grew up going to the same church fellowship as
each other, and their parents were friends with one another. My dad was in the
army during WW2, and my mom wrote to the boys from the church fellowship who
were at war. They developed a romantic relationship through writing, and by November
of 1945 they were married. They were both 31 years old.
They had five children, 2 boys, then 3 girls. I was the
oldest girl, so I was a middle child. My mom was 35 years old when I was born
on the last day of 1949. My dad was an abuser physically, sexually, and
verbally. He beat my mom up on a regular basis, and he was physically abusive
to all us children, and sexually abusive to at least us three girls.
And my mom was emotionally withdrawn from us children. She
told us she never wanted to have children but that my dad didn’t believe in
birth control. She felt she was not cut out to be a mom. I never heard the
words, “I love you” from her, nor did she ever hug me unless I was going off to
summer camp. At least, this is what I recall. I did not feel loved by her.
When I was 15 years old my dad had my mom outside and was
beating her head against a tree and was strangling her. I was not at home, but
my youngest sister was, and she told my aunt about it, who then made an appointment
with the pastor for me and my sister next in age to me. But the pastor said he
could do nothing about it unless our mom pressed charges.
The bottom dropped out of my heart in that moment. Now what?
I had come this far, which I would never have done on my own. I could not leave
his office without telling him the rest of what my dad was doing, beginning
when I was age 5. His response: “Did he force you?” Me: “Of course he did!” At
age 5 I didn’t volunteer myself for his advances. I feared him greatly!!
The pastor spoke with my parents, and my dad willingly went
into a mental hospital for 1.5 years. No one spoke to us kids about what had
just happened. We received no counseling. My mom didn’t talk about it, either,
only to tell us that we needed to forgive him. That year and a half was
peaceful, though. He was gone. I didn’t have to be afraid.
But then… we were told he was being released from the
hospital and that he was coming back home. Again, we were not given a choice in
the matter. No one asked us how we felt about it. No one made sure we were okay
with him being back in charge of us again. And I was scared to death of what
was going to happen. And I cried and I prayed fervently all the way home from
summer camp that year in 1967.
As soon as my dad was back home, he tried to get me to come
into his room with him, but I refused, and I told my mom. I don’t know what
transpired after that, but he never tried it again. But his anger against me
was horrible, and the verbal abuse often sent me to my room in tears and caused
my stomach to be tied up in knots. And I cried this out to the Lord, too. And he
comforted me with his love and mercy. I felt His loving arms around me.
The Lord did put to shame my dad when he had to go into that
mental hospital. So, he did suffer disgrace during that time. But that didn’t
stop him from trying to pick up where he left off when he returned home. And
although the physical abuse ceased, he continued to verbally abuse anyone he
could, because he was a big bully who picked on those weaker than him.
But he was put to shame again in his last 6 months of life,
for my mom died in June of 2000, but he lived until December of that year. He couldn’t
take care of himself, so he was placed in a facility again, only this time a
nursing home where he was not in charge of anyone, and where he could not bully
anyone, but where they had control over him. But I have no confidence that he
ever turned his life over to the Lord, and that is so incredibly sad, indeed.
Who Fulfills His Purpose for Me
Did you know that our Lord doesn’t promise us that we will
never have to suffer abuse? In fact, Jesus said that as he was treated so we
will be treated also. If they hated him and they persecuted him, so will they
hate and persecute us. Now God hates sin, and he hates the hands of those who
do evil to others, but he uses the circumstances of our lives for our good.
Yes, I went through some horrible suffering in my life which
did not end when I left the home of my parents, i.e., more suffering was in
store for me throughout my life coming from different people in various ways.
Some of it I brought upon myself, but much of it I did not. Much of my
suffering came as a result of my walk of faith in Jesus Christ.
But God used it all to fulfill his purpose for me. All my
life he was preparing me for the calling he placed on my life in 2004, when I
was 54 years old. All my life he was training me for this moment in time.
Everything I went through helped prepare me to follow my Lord in obedience and
to do his will and to stand strong in my faith despite much opposition and
persecution.
I think that if I had had an easy life and loving and
supportive parents, and much in the way of emotional and spiritual support from
much of the church throughout my life, that I would not be ready for what the
Lord is now having me do. For, I have to be willing to have no friends, to have
people turn against me, and to be hated and rejected, and to be accused falsely.
I have to be willing to stand on the truth, and to speak the
truth in love, even against lies which are being spread, and even at the risk
of lies being said about me. I have to stand if I have to stand alone, though I
am not alone. And I can’t be concerned about what people will think of me or if
they will like me or not. So, the Lord prepared me for this through my
suffering.
So, if you have suffered abuse in your life or if you are
still suffering abuse and mistreatment for no fault of your own, and if people
are lying to you and against you, and if you feel as though you are all alone,
please know that Jesus cares. Please know that he died for you on that cross to
save you from your sins and to give you a new life in Him with purpose and
direction.
So, repent of your sins, follow Jesus in obedience to his
will for your life, and surrender your life fully to him. Give him all your
pain and suffering and let him heal you. And then let him use you for his
purposes and for his glory as he had planned for your life from even before he
formed the earth. And he will fulfill his purpose for you, and you will be
blessed beyond measure.
YOU
RAISE ME UP
Brendan Graham / Rolf Lovland
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be…
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kG-vD-kkQ24
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